I am still stuck in this dark place. Everything is dark around me and inside me right now. I feel like I’ve lost myself. Somewhere along this journey I lost a huge part of me. I have always known what I want to do or felt a pull in one direction and thought ‘it will work out’. Right now I feel like I’m at a stand still, completely lost in a dark forest with no idea which direction to move in.
I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know where I want to be. I don’t know how I feel.
Coming up to a crossroad and standing still, not knowing which path to take.
I wish I could move out to a little house in the countryside surrounded by nature, able to just stay at home and be homely. In my own little bubble, no pressure of stress of having to do things I really don’t feel ready to do, away from pressure of other people, what they think and how they don’t understand. I always think of what other people think and feel, like everyone is judging me. I have always been such an active person and I work through almost everything – one reason why I got so ill before. I think this is one reason why I think everyone judges me, because all of a sudden I am listening to my body, I am weak and I feel like I’m letting everyone down. I even feel like I am letting myself down. Am I fighting hard enough? Am I fighting too little or too much? Am I hurting myself by not listening enough? Is everyone as judging and harsh on me as I am on myself? Does everyone else feel like I am letting them down as much as I feel like I am? At the minute I feel like I am letting the whole world down, like my body is letting the whole world down. I want to keep going but I feel like I am gonna crash.
I have always held on to the thought of being an artist, of being a creative person and soul. I feel like I have let myself down with that too. I don’t feel like I am an artist. Yes I have the degree, I have sold a few pieces and have had a could of small exhibitions, but I have nothing really to go on. I am a nobody. I haven’t done anything for ages, and I know what a fight it is to get somewhere. Have I let myself down? Can I get back into it or will I just be classed as a hobby artist? How can i bring back my passion? Something I have always loved. My one way of expressing myself without having to use words. This should be a time to indulge my passion and my ability to express myself through art so why isn’t it happening? I upset myself by not making anything, and feel like I am a failure to myself and my family. How can I get this part of me going again? How can I feel excited about this way of expressing myself? It would probably do me the world of good to use it as the therapeutic tool I have done in the past, not more than ever really.
One thing I find annoying with myself is my ability to put on a brave strong front, make myself look so much stronger than I actually am. Sometimes I wish I could just brake down when I am out, make everyone see just how weak, sensitive and vulnerable I actually am, but it doesn’t seem to be something I can do. Ever since I was a child I have always had a brave face, I even held my mouth shut for a day when I broke my arm at a young age. We were gonna have pancakes, but mum forgot the jam so I ran to the kitchen to get it and on my way back I tripped on the brick fireplace and hit my arm. I didn’t say a thing, ate my pancakes and carried on with my day as normal. Later on mum realised I wasn’t using my arm and that’s when she realised something was up. I was around 3-4 ish, and we lived in America at the time. So already then I was silly and just kept things to myself, put on a brave face and on we went. This has been the story of my life. In one way I admire it a lot, but in another I absolutely hate myself for this quality. I wish I could show everyone how I really feel at times. Of course my mum knows me better than anyone and knows when something is wrong without me saying or doing a thing, sometimes when I don’t even realise it myself, but now we are in different countries. Of course not everyone is judging me either, but sometimes it really does feel like it, and I can’t snap out of that feeling and it makes me even more upset. I then try to be stronger for everyone around me, thinking about them before myself, and feel myself being pushed to the back, neglected, deprived.
I just want to be alone, locked up on my own. I want the world to then show me where I am, what I should do. Show me Me. I want to find myself again but don’t know where to look. I am grieving for myself, for a part of me that is gone, for old ideas and dreams that now seem impossible. I often grieve for my colon, this usually happens at night. I grieve and feel like I let myself down, wondering if I could have done something different, if I could have saved it. Often going back and wondering if I could have stopped the whole ulcerous colitis story of even starting. I grieve over my old life before becoming ill. I grieve for the person I was before this started. And other I wonder how my life would be had I never got ill.
I have taken my biggest favourite mug which is very empty of dreams at the minute so I have filled it with hot chocolate instead. A dark chocolate hot chocolate, not too sweet and nice rich taste. Perfect for a dark cold day of being down and “feeling sorry for myself”.
To top it off I am fed up of being so tired, of my limbs feeling so heavy, of my head hurting, of being all cold and hot at the same time, waking up really sweaty and cold, fever, crushing head feeling and stiff neck..oh the list seems endless at the minute.
I am gonna finish my sad blog with a quote I heard in a film once which I thought was beautiful. It was the film Bounce with Ben Affleck and Gwyneth Paltrow. Unfortunately I cannot say where in the film they say it, but it stuck with me.
It’s not brave if you’re not scared.
And I can tell you one thing, I am scared. I am very scared. All the time. I never know what is going to happen, how things will end up, how I will react or what the outcome will be. But one thing I do know, we are all brave, because life is scary.
PS sorry this is only in English, I cannot find it in my head to express this all in Swedish at the minute. Maybe I will try to some other day but for now, it is only in English, I’m sorry for letting my Swedish readers down.
// Förlåt att detta bara är på engelska, jag kan inte få ihop detta till en Svensk text just nu, mitt huvud är inte i rätt plats. Jag kanske försöker en annan dag, men för tillfället är de bara på engelsk. Förlåt, jag känner att jag sviker genom att inte skriva på Svenska, men som sagt klarar inte det idag. Förlåt.