Waking up feeling sad is so boring now! Good job skype exists so I can talk to mum, or we can at least keep each other company. And then, somehow my mood was lifted and after saying bye I had a qigong session and then put some music on. I have such a cheesy playlist of songs that makes me happy and have so many memories connected to them. With my music on loud I jump in the shower, had a proper pamper shower, hair wash, bag change, oils and creams. With the music still on LOUD I danced around the flat in my underwear, singing at the top of my voice. Having a danceoff with my reflection. Another thing I always used to do when I lived on my own, and a little exercise in getting comfortable with my new body image. I felt good. No, I felt great!
When Axel got back home we ate and popped out to get a few bits from the shops and all of a sudden, from absolutely nowhere, standing in the shop I just felt like I could burst into tears. Everything felt so difficult. I didn’t want to be around people, I didn’t want to talk to people. All I wanted to do was to find a corner hidden away, crawl up and cry. Why? Only half an hour earlier I had felt like I was on top of the world. I had felt amazing, I had felt so happy I could barely control myself, and then it all came crashing. I feel heavy in my heart and soul, feel like I look sick and uncomfortable in my clothes. Tears constantly on the verge of flowing over. Why? And no, before anyone says it or thinks it, I am not due my period right now so it’s not those hormones messing me around. I actually have no answer for how I feel.
I’ve now had a rest, a cry and a huge cup of tea in my favourite cup (fill my cup of dreams it says on it), painted on a happy face (after 3 attempts where I kept getting cut off by evil tears) and got my music on again. Lets hope I can get that happy feeling back!
Tried to do my makeup a bit different today too. I think I managed it alright but it’s no wonder everyone thinks I feel good and am so happy when I can hide it so well. Damn natural protection skills!