it’s been a while since I wrote something now, I guess not much has happened really? Or has it? Tiredness has been a major part of things. I’m working 6 hours a day (7 with lunch included) and it’s so tiring. I come home, try to have a rest before Axel comes home to then try to be a bit social and nice. Nice is one thing I struggle with. With my energy being so low, I keep getting frustrated. Frustrated mainly with myself for not having the energy to do the things I love, annoyed that I can’t just “pull myself together” and do these simple things like cooking something new with total happiness and enthusiasm, or even just keep my mood at a stable happy level. Instead I snap, I yell at Axel for nothing, I cook things halfheartedly, go to bed tired yet wake up tired. Its tearing me up. So for the past few weeks I’ve just been plodding on, work, rest, food, sleep, work, rest, food, sleep. Boring? Hell yeah, but what can I do. I try to go for walks whenever I can, and try to do other things that I enjoy, those days are good. At times I even managed to do fun things, I went to the theatre for the first time in I don’t know how many years a few weeks ago. That was great!
On Friday just gone, 23rd June, we celebrated Midsummer here in Sweden. We spent the day and evening at Smyge, which is Swedens most southern point. It is lovely there. Of course it was the standard midsummer weather, partial rain and clouds, but we still had a good time! Lots of food, plenty of food actually. Herring (I even made some of my own), salmon, eggs, new potatoes, yummy bread and cheese, followed by strawberries and cream. Then we had a bbq in the evening (we started the day at 2pm) with sallad, potatoes and to finish I had made a cake. Yes, I made a cake! Yay! A lovely strawberry cake with a layer of lemon curd, a layer strawberry mousse, a layer vanilla cream and covered in whipped cream and strawberries. It was delicious! I was so happy I wanted to do it because it was such a sign of personal improvements and thank god it was good because I spent what felt like several hours trying to make everything just right. I did have a bit of a sensitive issue on the day when it came to decorating my cake. Someone at the party told me not to bother too much, and I interpreted it in a rather patronising sense as if I was silly trying to make my cake look nice. Now this may well have been me over sensitive and over analysing it (as I spoke to my therapist about and she agreed that I may well have been over analysering) however, I didn’t burst out in tears or anger, even if I felt the tears in my eyes. Instead I bit my tongue, said it’s my cake and I want it to look nice, and then tried to close myself into my own little bubble and be creative and happy. It took me a while to shake this feeling of belittlement but I did eventually and still enjoyed the day to the full. My therapist made me realise and tried to get me to think about the positives. Did anyone comment on how nice the cake looked? Well yes, I think nearly everyone did, and how good it tasted. And did it make me feel good? Yes I was very proud of my cake. Well then, that’s the most important thing. We also made pretty wild flower wreaths which we wore all day. It was a lovely day I must say.
I really enjoy seeing a therapist. She helps me realise when I have been strong, reacted in a positive manor, stood up for myself and when I have taken a step forward. When I saw her yesterday she said as I entered the room she could tell something was different, I held my head a little bit higher. That is true, there have been a few occasions recently when I have stood up for myself, and not backed down. These moments have left me feeling empowered and strong.
I have also been cutting down on my constant apologising, which has made me realise that everything really isn’t my fault and there is no need for me to apologise for everything, it doesn’t have any consequences. Of course I apologise when I actually have done something thought. These small steps have made me realise that I do have a value, everything isn’t my fault and I won’t be hated regardless if I apologise or not for someone else stubbing their toe or saying no when I don’t want to do something. I have started to regain my own personal respect for myself again and feel I can walk tall with my head held high. And what a great feeling that is! An even better feeling when my therapist can tell a difference too! I feel like I am slowly getting myself back again after loosing myself a bit to UC and surgery.
Now if only my memory could be a tiny bit better so I could remember everything too then that would be great, but hey, at least things are heading in the right direction!
Oh yeah, Olga turned 3 years old 20th June – my little baby girl, so her and Mirre got some special treats to celebrate. I can remember seeing her when she was barely a week old, and from that moment I knew she was mine ❤
I have also revamped my hair a bit. I now have my turquoise streak again (I’ve just been very lazy with refreshing it) and tried again to bleach the bottom of my hair (my plan was to bleach it so I could put turquoise at the bottom but because I’ve dyed it dark so much it just goes red, but I quite like it). So now my hair is multi coloured but I like it! Also, if it looks awful where I have bleached it I can easily cut it off! Haha!
Anyway, starting to just ramble updates about random crap that I bet no one even cares about haha time to end today’s little story, and hopefully I’ll write something a bit more exciting soon!
Just because the ducklings and particularly the mummy duck were so pretty in the park the other day, and came so close to me, I thought I’d share the picture of them too 🙂