So much has happened recently and the thought of this blog was for me to be honest and open with you about my life and life with an invisible illness, however some things I don’t always wanna share out just like that…but I’m gonna give you a little at least…the past few months have been really tough on me, hence my silence.
I have a habit of making drastic changes every now and again, and this time I couldn’t just stick with one, but sometime change can be needed, and change can be good…..eventually haha!
Obviously a lot has happened to me over the past few years, and I have felt myself disappear. The start of it all was changing country and starting life from scratch again, on my own. Wow what a crazy adventurous step that was! And to think I was only meant to be here 1 year when I moved from England to Sweden soon 5 years ago. To then become sick and try to learn and balance life with a chronic illness has been tricky, especially when it got so bad and I ended up with emergency surgery and had to get used to everything. For quite some time I just lived in my little bubble of being ill, trying to get stronger and trying to get by day by day. Now, 2 years after surgery I am finally starting to land a bit more. My strength is slowly coming back and I feel I can think outside of this bubble a bit more too, which has lead me to realise that I now need to find myself again. Not the sick me, not the old me, but the new real me. Of course I am hoping I’ll be like the old me, but I can never fully be that after everything, so this new chapter of my life feels a bit exciting.
The first big thing that has happened along the way is that Axel and I have decided to go our separate ways. It has been a friendly breakup, no bad blood between us, we just felt that was what had to happen now. I will forever be grateful to Axel and for everything he has done for me over these past three and a half years. Axel will always have a special place in my heart, I will always love him and I wish him the best of the world. I genuinely don’t know how I would have gotten through these years of illness and change without him. He has been my rock, my stability, my safe place and he has looked after me, been caring and kind, calm and best of all, totally accepting of everything that happened and all my changes. I sure did have a guardian angel looking over me that cold January night when we met. It really has thrown us both as we were planning a life together, but things change don’t they. Any breakup is hard and upsetting, but we have said we will stay friends and stay in touch, and I really deep down hope we do, because he is a lovely guy and we really have been through a lot together.
So that was the tough breakup number one, and as if that isn’t enough to shake up one’s world and cause trouble I had to do a little bit more.
My second breakup was with work. I have taken the very tough decision to leave my job at Maiale art foundry. I love the job, and I have learnt so so much from it, but now I feel my body needs a rest and I need to try something else for a bit. Telling my boss the news was awful. My heart was breaking as much as it did with mine and Axels breakup, or more as my heart was still broken from the first breakup. The anxiety leading up to it was unreal, however everyone at work has been lovely about it, upset but lovely, and are doing everything they can to try to convince me to stay haha which really really warms my heart as it makes me feel so loved!.. more on this later on though..
So, for my final big shake up and change….I have decided to move back to England. I guess this is really the main reason for my other changes. I felt that finding myself, and landing in this new me is something I can only really do best at home, my other home. At home with the comfort, safety and relaxation with my mum. There’s just something special about being at home with mum, it’s my comfort place, none judgemental, place for growth and filled with love and support. Also, I really miss being close to my mum and sister, it has been awful not being able to eat together, or randomly do things, or support each other in tough situations, or just be together. I have hated that! And I did always say I was only going to Sweden for a year…. now soon 5 years later and I’m finally moving back. My move will be spring 2019, so watch out 😉
All of these changes are huge, I mean just one of them is big and bad enough, but I don’t do things by half, I go all in and mix everything up in life! So at the minute I’m still living with Axel up until Christmas, while packing all my belongings. I love December, and everything leading up to Christmas, but this year just isn’t the same. It is so difficult to pack up my life in boxes, especially around Christmas time, but also because I don’t know what I will need. I currently don’t know where I will be moving. I am going back home to England over Christmas and New year, and then I am back in Sweden for another few months before the final move. I have moved so many times now, but packing and not knowing when you’ll be unpacking is tough, even more so when I need to leave some stuff out so I can live the next few months, without knowing where I’ll be living. This is definitely not easy! My plan is to somehow get my belongings over to England before I move, but that is another thing I can’t sort out until I know exactly how much stuff I have. Just so much to think about.
I’ll tell you one thing, it is NOT easy having an illness which is so mega stress sensitive! I am working so hard at keeping my stress levels down, trying to avoid a flare and stay as strong and healthy as I can. This is not easy! This is especially not easy with breakups, job changes, uncertainties, money worries, packing, changes etc. I get so tired and I have so much to do. All of this is mentally, physically and emotionally draining, and I’m doing it all while working too. I know things will work out, they always do, and I’m trying to bring out my planning and organising side to keep things on track but oh my, this is tough.
I’m also trying to make sure I get all my check ups out of the way before my move…and I don’t really know if that’s good or bad haha I’ve had my bloods checked not long ago, and had low iron and vitamin D, so next week I’m going to leave some more blood and see if things have balanced back up again. I’ve got my gynaecology appointment booked in to see if the cell changes have disappeared or if I have to have a small operation. Another thing to feel nervous about. I have also called regarding a new sigmoidoscopy, oh the joys of that check up, but I was meant to go in May and never got an appointment (and I didn’t really fancy it then either) but this meant that she was very keen on getting me a time now. I’ve made sure I am not going to see either of the surgeons that I have seen so far, but this also makes me more nervous, I mean the examination isn’t fun as it is, but to get a new surgeon who doesn’t know what the status has been before is so nerv wrecking. I am so worried they will say that my rectum needs removing and I’ll minimise my chances of children, but I am trying my hardest to visualise a nice doctor and that everything is good.
Oh my, all these stresses, and I’m just trying to stay afloat…now that’s probably a bad metaphor as I can’t really float…hmm.. some days I just break down completely but yeah I’m trying to keep my head above water and stay nice and calm without my body and mind going into mega stress mode and getting ill….so wish me luck ey! It’s a strange mixture of everything feeling mega scary but mega exciting too! I’ll try to keep you all updated in regards to everything but as you can probably gather, my head is one big mess and half the time I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going hahaha so bare with me please!
This image is so funny and just how I feel right now and have been feeling for the past few months. That slight panic, while being totally organised and in control yet having no idea what really is going on! Haha!!
And in the words of David Bowie
~ Time to face the strange changes