What a start to the year… I have had an absolutely amazing time at home in England with my mum and sister over Christmas and New year, and as always, leaving was a pain!!
On Sunday, the day of travel, I wake up with my ulcerous colitis blossoming up. My body was beyond exhausted, aching like I’d been on a two week hike, I could barely keep my eyes open, felt sick and my rectum was cramping. I ended up falling asleep on the dining room floor as my mum was pottering around. There is something about just curling up on the carpet with a blanket while mum is doing her normal things that just makes me feel so safe and I can just relax. Luckily when I woke up again I felt at least strong enough to be able to eat and shower, I mean, I had no choice, I had to go…
We set off from home at 1pm as it can take anything from 2 to 3 hours to get to the airport. Finally at the airport I find out my flight is delayed, not too bad, obviously I got there 2 hours before set off time, but the time just flies by after check in and security. Going through security I had the worst experience ever though! I went through the scanner and it beeps, I step aside for them to do the body scan and tell them I have an ostomy and a bit jokingly follow up with I forgot to go to the toilet before I came through, she just turns around, finds another member of staff and tells me to come after them. They didn’t let me take my things, I just had to leave them unattended (they asked one of the other guards who was clearly busy keeping an eye on other things, to keep an eye on my things too) and made me go to an examinations room. I felt like a criminal. Once in the room they asked to see my ostomy, which yeah sure, I have no problem with that so I undid my buttons and got Stevie out (unfortunately there wasn’t any design but she was so moody I don’t even think that would have made her crack a smile) I had to lift the bag too so they could see around the base and then she just went OK and proceeded to open the door as I was stood there with my trousers open. The other person with us shouted to her to close the door which she should have done, she should have waited for me to be fully dressed again really. It’s a good job I’m not overly shy because half the people outside would have seen me, but never the less, I felt really exposed and extremely vulnerable! I hope to never have to experience that again! Note to self, always go to the toilet and empty bag completely before going through airport security, and have ostomy card ready! Anyway, I got out and found my things still where I left them and went in. It came to boarding and everyone was waiting to board when we get told that it would be delayed due to “technical difficulties” and of course they couldn’t tell us more at that moment. Eventually they told us that one of the engines on the plane wasn’t working and that they were searching for a replacement plane and would get back to us in regards to if we would fly that same day or the following day. It’s unbelievable the amount of aggression people can have inside them, and how they can swear and throw abuse at the poor people just giving us the information, as if it was their fault. I know I for one, amongst quite a few other people I spoke to would definitely not want to get one a faulty plane and I am just so grateful they realised this before we got on. Eventually we found out they had a replacement plane that was on its way to Manchester but wouldn’t get there until 10.30pm. So I ended up sitting at the airport for 7 hours, with a
compensation voucher for food/drink for £3, which isn’t even the cheapest boots meal deal. The plane arrived eventually, and funnily enough the plane that came to save us was called Charlie, just like meee!! 😀 After having made several friends during the wait we finally landed in Copenhagen at 1.30am, every one of us exhausted. I helped a lovely guy find his way to Malmö, and as we kept each other company he shared a very sad and touching story about his nephew. I am so happy I helped him and became a part of his trip too. It was 3am Monday morning by the time I stepped off the train in Malmö and I felt like death. I am so grateful to my lovely friend who got up and let me sleep at hers. The original plan was for me to arrive at 9pm and have a lovely evening together before sleeping, and instead it turned into this pancake. Of course I slept like a log when I finally got to lay down and slept half of Monday.
I obviously couldn’t go to work feeling like this..my body felt like it had been hit by a truck, my head was so tight all across my head and down my neck, I struggled to
keep my eyes open and just kept crying..I was a mess. I eventually managed to get myself together and head over to my new flat before going to pick Olga up. Oh my was I happy to see her, and she was to see me! She isn’t the most forward cat, but she has been so loving these past few days and clearly has missed me while I’ve been away!
Tuesday and still didn’t feel good. My exhaustion had turned into some sort of partial cold as well as aching all over and barely being able to move or pick things up. Felt vulnerable BIG TIME and just wanted someone to come and look after me a bit but at the same time really didn’t have the energy for people…oh the joys, where is mum when you need her right?!
Also, had the joys of a sigmoidoscopy on top of this..I knew it was a new doctor so I was nervous about what he would be like on top of the nervs of the actual check up. The doctor I saw was lovely, he wasn’t one of those who are obsessed with pushing for surgery, no he actually listened to me and by the sounds of it listened to all his patients and to what they wanted. I am so sick of surgeons who are so turned on by surgery that they don’t think of the patient as a person, they just see the surgery opportunities. Well this one was definitely not one of those. Instead of rushing me to have surgery and to have children he said that I should have at least 10 years after my first surgery before I need to think of the next one, as long as there aren’t any cell changes in the rectum. Wow what a relief! That means I have another 7 1/2 years to live my life and have children before I might need to undergo more surgery, all being well of course. (When I speak about having children I mean the natural way, there are still opportunities to have IVF or even potentially become pregnant after surgery but the chances are slimmer.) I know things can go wrong at any point in time, but it is so nice feeling that I don’t have to rush life way too much. I’m not gonna lie, I have never really wanted children and have always thought of that as some distant future possibility, however over the past few years with all the stress and the possibility of not being able to have the choice of children, I have felt a stronger and stronger pull to wanting some…but that’s for some later point. Anyway, they for some reason hadn’t booked me in for a sigmoidoscopy (camera up the rectum) even though that was the whole idea of the appointment, so I had to wait while a room became free. I was nervous, and tired, and felt very small going into the room, bad memories coming up, but I just had to take deep breaths and try to distract myself. I didn’t experience the check up quite as painful as it has been, but yes it was very uncomfortable and a bit painful, however this time I even managed to turn around a bit so I could see the screen and see what the doctor was seeing. I have never been able to do that before. He took loads of tissue samples so now just keep all your fingers crossed that they come back saying it’s “just” inflamed and that there aren’t any cell changes 🙂
After the checkup he left the pictures he had taken up on the screen so I managed to get pictures of them, pretty cool as I’ve never been able to do that before, although some of it really didn’t look good, inflamed and bloody, however the blood parts were mainly where he had taken samples which made me feel a bit better! (There is a picture of the pictures at the very end, after a picture of the examination room, so if you don’t want to see then don’t scroll all the way down.)
I experienced the whole idea of this check up odd…like..I don’t even know how to put words to it, but because Axel has been a part of my health journey, even though he hasn’t come with me to the actual check ups before, it was a really odd feeling leaving there and not calling him, or telling him all about it, or even having him check up on how it went.. It’s really bizarre how something as little as telling him how it went made me feel so alone as well as lonely.. I can’t really explain it any better than that, but it just really hit me big time…
(Isn’t she beautiful my Olga girl)
Oh my days have I been sore since the check up though! I just came home and laid on the sofa resting for the rest of the day, and my lovely little Olga came and laid on my belly, for the first time, all calm and stayed for over an hour. She has become so loving and just wants to be close to me and I am loving it! It is just what I need right now, helping me not feel so lonely!
Wednesday came, and I managed to sleep through 5 different alarms and slept half the day. It’s unbelievable how hard I can get hit by things, I forget how I have changed and how certain things really take it out of me. It’s crazy how both physically and mentally drained and affected I have become by little set backs or changes.
These past few days have been really tough for me, I have felt so fragile, vulnerable, heavy hearted, sad and lonely… I have had a tough time.. but yesterday I finally managed to wake up to my alarm and got up and went to work, and I am so happy I did. The welcome back I got from everyone at work was just what I needed! I headed in with tears in my eyes and left feeling so loved and missed. I am so happy I have my work family! Also, it makes for a shorter week, so a bit nicer for my body!
Oh and just because I’m silly and always used to joke about being able to find assholes anywhere..well.. yesterday was my first day back at work and I found myself an asshole.. been quite a few years since I found one of them last.. but never have I found one in bronze.. 😉
I hope you all have a lovely Friday and weekend and I’ll try to post something soon again!