These past few weeks have been pretty difficult for me. Maybe I’ve been in a flare state, maybe I’ve been extra emotional and sentimental, maybe I’ve pushed myself too hard and got a bit worn out.. whatever it is, it’s felt heavy. Yes my body has been exhausted, it’s been aching and painful too but most of all, I have suffered with my feelings and mood. Sometimes the realisation of what I’ve been through the past few years dawn on me, and I find myself under a heavy dark cloud. I know I’m well, I’m loving my second chance at life, and I’m happy I’m as well as I am, but I still mourn. I still miss the old me. I mourn the person I was before I got ill, the energy I used to have, the joy and ease I did everything with. A body that didn’t constantly ache. The ability to plan lots into my days and weeks and never even doubt my capability of managing it all. I have always been an overly active person, going wherever I could whenever I could. Working long hours and still managing to go out and have fun along side it. Being in busy places, with lots of people and noises, having plenty of action and energy in my days. Now some days I struggle just getting out of bed. The other weekend I went out to a bigger shop, only to quickly pick something up, and it was so overwhelming. There were so many people out and I just felt it all got on top of me. When I got back to the car I started crying, I don’t even really know why, no-one spoke to me or touched me, I guess I was just truly overwhelmed. Once I got home, I put the over on to make a baked potato, set an alarm and went to lay down while it baked. When I came down to it my potato wasn’t baked, it was like the oven had been in for 10 minutes and then turned off. I just burst out in hysterical tears, floods of tears running down my face, trying to catch my breath. That just pushed me over the edge. I hadn’t had much of an apitit all day and finally managed to find something I felt I could stomach, only to find it hadn’t cooked. I felt totally deflated, I just wanted to go to bed and for the day to be over. I just wanted to hide away and go into hybernation, only to come out when life felt a bit lighter and easier.
This is was how some days are for me now.. not all days are like that, but I do find myself hiding away, not wanting to leave my room, or the house. Not wanting to talk to people, see people, do anything really.
The constant fatigue is draining. Sleeping all night yet feeling exhausted, not sleeping all night and feeling exhausted. It’s like I never really feel totally rested. Then there’s the brain fog too. Like your head is covered in cotton wool, or in a cloud. People talk to you but its a struggle taking anything in, remembering, communicating. Wow my memeory is awful when my heads in the land of fog, which again leaves me frustrated as I have always been so proud of my memory!
I know people care, and I know they mean well, but nothing upsets me more than when someone asks me “how are you?” And I tell them “well, not great today, I’m exhausted and my body is aching, but never mind, that seems to be my state at the minute”, and then the same person, a few hours later says “are you still tired?” “Well yes of course I am, I cant just magically feel energised” or “are you still not feeling well?” ” Well no, it’s not something that just goes away like a headache”. I know the questions are coming from a good place, a caring place full of love, but for me it becomes a reminder throughout the day that “yup, this is my “normal” state, I will not wake up today, I will not be without the aching” and I don’t want to think about it..it upsets me every time. And yes, I have told people that I’d rather they only asked me once and then didn’t ask again. I know I shouldn’t get annoyed at people who ask several times, as they do just care, but with a constantly aching body, my temper isn’t the best. Yes, I am totally aware of it, and I know it’s something I really need to get a handle of. The mix of ache, exhaustion, feeling let down by my own body, feeling sorry for myself, and mourning the old me, can all leave me very agitated, which unfortunately I cannot always control. Some days I hate myself, and the way I have spoke to the people around me, but while I’m in that cloud of crap it’s like I can’t control what comes out. This is totally no excuse for acting like a total and utter bitch, but it’s a start understanding where it comes from and why, and I am desperately trying to find ways if controlling the monster within me that takes over.
Just so you know, every day the past few weeks haven’t been totally bad, I have had some days whoch have been easier than others, despite the fatigue, aches and fog!
Here are a few pictures which I have seen the past few weeks and felt like they hit home quite a bit. I was gonna post them while I was feeling crap, but I didn’t even want to do that, maybe because I didn’t feel ready to share how I was feeling…
As some of you know, I love rubber ducks, I even collect them haha so this last one is just perfect! 😂
I am feeling miles better at the minute, not at all under that dark cloud which I have been under and I am on my way to Brighton for some quality sister time! ❤️