Last week I received this text from the NHS;
NHS Coronavirus Service: You have been identified as someone who may be at high risk of severe illness if you catch Coronavirus. You should get a letter from the NHS to confirm this. The government are advising you shield at home until 30 June unless told otherwise by a healthcare professional.
When I first read it I joked and read it out loud to my mum in a dramatic voice, and then went on to singing my own version of ‘goodbye my lover’ by James Blunt, very spontaneously. I laughed, then didn’t think much to it. As the day went on, the words from the text message rang in my head, and it got me thinking.
This year, 2020, is probably one of the first, or very few, years in my life so far where I actually had a rough one year plan. This year was going to involve travels, self growth, deep healing and dealing with demons. Covid-19 put a stop to this. It has made me feel a bit sad, as these were very daunting, frightening, nervewracking yet exciting plans I had. I am not giving up on them totally, and I am hoping I can do them next year instead, as to me, it is a very very important step and journey along this rollercoaster ride that is my life.
But instead of letting my upset and disappointed feelings take over (I’m not great with changes to plans or surprises really), I will do a different kind of self growth and healing from within my isolated bubble. I will take this time to deal with other demons, reflect and prepare myself for what the future holds for me, and for dealing with the demons which I originally hoped to have dealt with this year.
On Sunday night Boris Johnson held yet another of his unclear and contradictory talks. “Go to work, don’t go to work” “exercise all you want, go to the park, drive places, play sports, but only with your family, but don’t go out”. Before lockdown he gave Britain loose restrictions which people crossed, and now he is doing the same, and I am worried people will, again, go too far. Britain has only just passed its peak..you wouldn’t run into a house on fire when the flares have reached their peak, would you?
So please please please, when you do go out, please stick with the social distancing, be careful with what you do, because the longer this keeps going, the longer vulnerable people like me have to stay safer. I for one would much rather be in isolation a little bit longer and be able to see ALL of my friends healthy again, and hug them soo much, than watch people go out too soon, and have to worry more about them or having to say goodbye too soon because these restrictions weren’t met. The situation is still the same, hospitals are still full, and if you end up there, you can’t see your family. That is not how I would want my last days to be.
It is an odd time, and a very surrealistic time to be alive and experience, and it is ok to feel overwhelmed, lost, upset and confused. But in general, I am trying to focus on myself, trying to think of this time as perfect me time…after all, I have always loved and needed me time.
But today, of all days, has really hit me hard, as today would have been a big stepping stone in my life, a big important thing, which now I have to postpone without knowing when to… And I have been struggling with a heavy heart today, trying to not let this cloud I am under, take me down. To avoid thinking about the cloud, and to keep my mind busy I have focused on me. I did yoga today again after a few days off due to hurting my toe very badly, but due to my back playing up I felt I was in great need of Yoga so I did a yoga for the lower back, which avoids any moves with the toes. I spent nearly 2 hours practising one song on my bass, I had a singing lesson for the first time since January (I’m the only lucky one who can actually have them in person, the rest of mums students get video call lessons, of course, but that is working ok for now), and I’m preparing some fabric so I can make a dress. I am feeling exhausted, upset, but I am keeping busy, both physically and mentally today, in the hope of a good nights sleep and a cloudless day in the Life of Charlotte tomorrow.