Yesterday I had grand ideas, I started writing this blog.. and then my day just carried on spiralling as it does sometimes so here is my start of yesterdays thoughts.
~ August 1st 2020, the first day of life after shieding. It’s been a long few months. Shielding officially started 23rd march… But I stayed at home from the 14th, the day after I flew back from Sweden, after having been there for 2 months. I can’t believe 6 months have passed by so fast already.
Shielding has been an odd time. I have learnt a lot, I have rested a lot. I have had changes in my life. I have made new friends. I have built more strength in my body.
It’s such a strange feeling.. being “set free”… I only really started going out for a daily walk the last month and my, was that strange. I hadn’t been out in the village since January. Everything looked different. I was seeing beautiful details in the every day life that I had gotten so used to seeing last year, without appreciating it.
I have mixed feelings about today, about the end of shielding.. I am happy to feel a bit more freedom again, but I am also cautious, what if there is a second wave? Either way, I will be suuuper carefully about anything I do for the forcible future, and I will just hold on to those rays of sun when I see them! ~
Yesterday was a crash day. For no reason at all, I woke up heavy and upset. I thought I’d be able to shake these feelings by doing my normal routine of yoga, shower, music and some colourful clothes, and to be honest, it helped partially.. but not totally. I started feeling sick, my body was aching, I felt weak and absolutely exhausted. My heart felt so heavy, with a lump in my throat, a stone in my belly and tears filled my eyes. I realised I wasn’t going to be able to shake it.. I had, and still have, no idea why I felt like this, physically or emotionally.. but I just had to deal with it. I closed myself off, kept away from mum and stayed in my “me bubble”.. at one point mum even said “maybe you should watch a Disney film..”. Now, for those of you who know me, Disney is my all time go to for when I don’t feel good, but for some reason I’d not even thought of it yesterday and I felt a little bit of joy just from mum suggesting this. So, I decided to put ‘The Lion King’ on, because, lets face it, I always cry when Mufasa dies, always have, and always will, and it’s a deep from my heart kind of cry. Sometimes I feel myself getting nervous for it happening but I thought it was good to let it out. I got 10 minutes into the film and was already crying, and Mufasa was still alive… I also somehow managed to snooze off just around the Mufasa death scene…but don’t worry, I cried at the most bizarre places throughout the rest of the film, and I kept on like that the rest of the day.. I was in bed by 9pm, and fell asleep before I’d put my phone on the bedside table.. I needed that sleep, and I needed to free all those tears. Today I am feeling better, still a bit weak, and achy, but a lot better.
However much I dislike those down days, and really dislike being in them, they are important too, and really make me appreciate my up days, which, lets face it, I’ve been on a pretty good ‘Up’ day streak recently!
Today I’ve been taking it easy, just focused on baking some bread, and just allowed myself to ‘Be’ in this middle ground, neither happy or sad, just to be.
Sheilding has eased, but I am not running out just because of that. Yes it’s nice to have a sence of freedom again, but I will be keeping it safe, seeing friends and going for walks, but in a very cautious way..
Anyway, my head isn’t totally into writing today, but just thought I’d jot down a few words.
I have some other little blog projects on the go, so hopefully I’ll be sharing some more soon.
Have a great Sunday everyone!
Much love, stay safe and be careful ❤️